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25 December 2012 @ 02:42 pm
Title: White
Authors: narya86
Pairing: Daniel Agger/Fernando Torres
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Never has been, never will be my own.
Summary: Snow on his lashes, snow on his gloves, snow on the tips of his shoes.
A/N: This is entirely for my dear tetila, but I hope the rest of you like it as well, and that all of you have a happy Christmas!


Sometimes Fernando thinks he got used to being alone.

The bed is empty when he wakes up, sheet too cold, too white, like everything else. He lies there and looks up at the ceiling, white too, often long enough that his eyes hurt when he finally stops.

Breakfast used to be his favourite meal of the day. Taking time for it, steaming coffee, a croissant with butter and dipped in marmalade, the French way. Bits of chocolate, slices of fruit, deliciously sticky fingertips.

Now it’s just coffee, because everything else tastes stale on his tongue.

He gets lost sometimes, in his own mind, wandering older paths, those that made him happier. Memories that bring unbidden smiles to his face. But when he’s back he aches, bone-deep in his joints, and he feels old and used. As if he rearranges himself every time and always comes away a bit more wrong.

Outside he sees girls wrapped in soft knitted scarves, thick winter pullovers, white and grey, gauntlets and leg warmers, snow flakes in their hair.

It doesn’t even feel cold while he walks past black skeletons of trees, through a sea of snow.

Snow on his lashes, snow on his gloves, snow on the tips of his shoes.

Maybe he’s drowning.

He looks in through windows from outside while he passes, from where warm lights are glowing, promising home. But always to someone else. His eyes burn and his skin tingles and he wants out of it, just away, but rubbing doesn’t help. He’s been born to it and he’ll die in it.

And he invested himself, his heart and mind and soul, long ago. Another skin he can’t shed, won’t be able to, never, ever, ever, ever.

He misses the messages in the snow on the car shield, ‘hoho’, ‘good morning’, ‘brrr...’, ‘you’re perfect’.

At home he pulls warm socks over his feet, watches how they swallow his toes until he can barely see them move in them anymore.

The only way he can keep his hands warm is to wrap them around mugs filled with hot chocolate, watching the cream dissolve, letting the heat seep through the porcelain into his skin until it feels his hands are burning.

And sometimes he looks around, gaze sliding over the familiar corners as if never having seen before, searching, and he realises he’s alone.

Utterly, all-encompassingly.

Books are his best friends. They bring him far, far away, from these walls and floors, the countless footsteps on endlessly tread paths he imagines to see but aren’t really there. A bit of relief. He relies on them, needs them, clings to them because he thinks otherwise he’ll lose his mind.

Because it isn’t supposed to be just white. There are lights in his window too, little flecks of gold. A splash of red in form of the mug he fills with coffee or hot chocolate. Blue in his knit jumper, hem and sleeves too long, the one he wears when he needs to feel some resemblance of warmth and coziness. Yellow-orange flickering in the fireplace, moss green in his long scarf.

But all he sees is white. Snow, crystals, flakes, footprints. White.

And he’s alone.

When it happens, it’s as if the ground is sucked out from under him, and he’s falling, falling. Doesn’t feel real, as if having stepped back onto the paths of his mind.

But it is real.

It happens the moment the door clicks close and he hears a shaky sigh. The moment he touches and nothing underneath his fingertips dissolves. Cotton, winter jumper, warm, solid, body below, everything that comes with it. His fingers curl in the collar and he sobs, suddenly and sharply, and he’s gathered up in a pair of arms, so shockingly real and there, and he clings to him like the lifeline he has suddenly been thrown, and he feels real (moving muscles, warm neck, soft hair, cold nose) and looks real (green-brown eyes, moist lashes, long fingers, familiar freckles) and sounds real (uneven breath, tiny laugh, soft voice) and smells real (clean, fresh, wind, snow, home).

And with the tears that come, the colours finally seep back into Fernando’s world.

~ The End ~

tetila: Fiction: dsotmtetila on December 25th, 2012 07:01 pm (UTC)
Well, what can I say but thank you? It meant a lot to me, getting this for Christmas.

I really love the winter themed pictures you managed to paint into my head. Fernando in those socks and winter stuff in general really, really got to me and at the same time it's so heartbreaking... that feeling of missing something... someone...

I was really scared it would end bad for a moment, but I'm glad you gave them a happy end ♥

Thank you.

Narya: Winternarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:40 pm (UTC)
You're very, very welcome, it meant a lot to me giving you this too.

I have to admit, all those winter themed pictures helped a lot. :)

Nah, I couldn't have let it end badly, not right now, not with the way he feels throughout the story.

: ): Dan/Nandoacrayonsmile on December 25th, 2012 07:05 pm (UTC)
What a beautiful ending <3
Narya: Bluenarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I couldn't have stomached anything else here. :)
manamana_yu_ta on December 26th, 2012 05:59 am (UTC)
Snowy beautiful fic and photos…
My heart is filled with happiness, thank you. :)
Narya: Heartnarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:41 pm (UTC)
That was the purpose of it, I'm very glad you felt that way!
reneeexplosionreneeexplosion on December 26th, 2012 12:41 pm (UTC)
I really love the Christmas feeling I got from this even though it was a rather sad one in the beginning. I absolutely loved your writing here! And I'm a sucker for happy endings so I definitely loved that as well ;)
Narya: Fernando S/Wnarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:42 pm (UTC)
Aaww thank you! :D When I wrote it I looked through whole blogs dedicated to winter pictures, that's where a lot of inspiration came from. And of course I had to make the end happy. ;)
wing: Dannys freckle kissed by Sunshinewingstam on December 26th, 2012 03:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you. It's like Danny was late for the date. And Nando feel abandoned. They (Everybody) shouldn't be alone in Christmas.

I like the scenes of contrast. It's beautiful.♥

I didn't saw the pictures as my first read. I love all you chose. They told everything.

Wish you a Merry Christmas is already too late, so wish you a Happy Golden New Year!!!
Narya: Queennarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:44 pm (UTC)
No, no one should be alone for Christmas. And I don't think it was a date, rather that Dan had to be away some where, and... I don't know, I had the feeling that Fernando didn't know if he'd see him again.

The 26th definitely wasn't too late for a Happy Christmas, and I'm still going to wish you a Happy New Year now even though I'm even later. ^^
thopix: beautythopix on December 26th, 2012 08:44 pm (UTC)
As beautiful written as ever! A perfect ending for an amazing story.
Narya: Dan S/Wnarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you!! :)
allwaswellharry: daggerallwaswellharry on December 26th, 2012 11:09 pm (UTC)
aww this was so beautiful! I loved every piece of it.

Merry Christmas to you too :)
Narya: Winternarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :) It was a bit poetic I suppose, but that's the season for it, right? ^^
Mikajumping_down on December 29th, 2012 02:24 pm (UTC)
Fernando in his socks and oversized sweater, moping during winter! I was bracing myself for heartbreak so thank you for the beautiful ending!
Narya: Fernando S/Wnarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:47 pm (UTC)
Hehe, nah, I couldn't not give Dan back to him, I felt far too sorry for him during the course of the story. Poor baby.
a natural disasterscribblscrabbl on December 29th, 2012 04:16 pm (UTC)
So much relief and warmth at the end. <3 Merry (belated) Christmas. :)
Narya: Eyenarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you, dear! I guess it was the right thing for the season. :)
Stephanie: Nando in b&wtitania_torres on January 4th, 2013 05:34 pm (UTC)
beautiful imagery. it takes you in and paints a picture so real and lonely up until the end.
Narya: Kissnarya86 on January 9th, 2013 01:48 pm (UTC)
That's exactly what I tried with it, so I'm glad to hear I succeeded. Thank you. :)